In between the daydreaming, I’m tapping away at a keyboard creating a user manual from mostly plagiarized content for a product that doesn’t exist yet. I’m the only one in the office. Maybe I should do something obscene. But then what if the cleaning lady comes in and catches me – I think that’s a pretty popular porn niche. But I’m not built for porn. I’m built for writing user manuals for products that don’t exist.

I’ve long lost my original user manual (if I even came with one). I’m sure it was written in terrible English, and my parents threw it out. So they didn’t quite know what to do with me. But that’s ok, it wasn’t their fault.

I’m older now then when they had me, and I suddenly realized just how young they were when I was born. I made my share of mistakes, but most of them have been amended by now. I used to feel as if a giant piano was tied above my head with weak twine that was slowly unraveling at every second. I don’t really feel this way anymore. I sort of feel like I’m driving comfortably in a large sedan on a dark highway with just the headlights on in front of me. Sometimes I feel like doing a U-Turn and going back to familiar places, but those places were dangerous and now I try and avoid them. Just keep driving slowly down this dark highway and soon more will be revealed. That’s what I was told, at least.

If there is a God, I don’t think he or she has any real issues with me. I seem to be living a rather comfortable and pain free life with abundance, while much of the world desperately fights for their lives on a daily basis. Is this random chance? Some of us are simply born into lives of utter desperation, while others-like me-are able to buy the latest Blackberry without too much effort or loss? Really? Just chance? That’s sort of fucked up.

But I suppose that’s what it is. I don’t really think losing your family in an earthquake is some sort of punishment for deeds previously done by said member or his/her agent(s). That’s just the sad odds of probability. Poof. Wish I could help.

I can see highway 280 from my office window. There are A LOT of people out there driving around. It’s difficult not to compare our little ‘to do’ to ant colonies. Ever watch those things on the Discovery channel? Ants are cool, and they make very large, complex colonies. I saw this one where they poured cement down an ant colony and then dug it up. It was HUGE and beautiful. Sad that they killed all those ants so I could see their colony, though. But to quote one of my favorite movies, “It is a Sad and Beautiful World.”

I hope I’m not regressing into some post adolescence existential dilemma. That would be a problem. I guess sometimes I’m afraid of turning into a character in someone’s novel – the old man who sits in his office writing user manuals for non-existent products.

[flv]http://www.hyperlexic.com/train_robbery_mixdown.swf[/flv]

John Bonham -vs- Charles Bukowski in a brutal, no-hold’s barred fuckhammer cowboy chainsaw match. You can smell the whiskey.

The Last Days of the Suicide Kid -vs- When the Levee Breaks

Yeah, so this is one Buk’s greatest poems ‘The Last Days of the Suicide Kid’ recorded in San Francisco way back in the day before I was born. When you put it on top of Bonham’s coolest drum riff – well, just check it out.

Bukowski: “The Last Days of the Suicide Kid”Audience Member: “fuck you man!”

Bukowski: “Any other comments?”

Bukowski: “The Last Days of the Suicide Kid”

I can see myself now
after all these suicide days and nights,
being wheeled out of one of those sterile rest homes
(of course, this is only if I get famous and lucky)
by a subnormal and bored nurse…
there I am sitting upright in my wheelchair…
almost blind, eyes rolling backward into the dark part of my skull
looking
for the mercy of death…
Isn’t it a lovely day, Mr. Bukowski
O, yeah, yeah…
the children walk past and I don’t even exist
and lovely women walk by
with big hot hips
and warm buttocks and tight hot everything
praying to be loved
and I don’t even
exist…
It’s the first sunlight we’ve had in 3 days,
Mr. Bukowski.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
there I am sitting upright in my wheelchair,
myself whiter than this sheet of paper,
bloodless,
brain gone, gamble gone, me, Bukowski,
gone…
Isn’t it a lovely day, Mr. Bukowski
O, yeah, yeah… pissing in my pajamas, slop drooling out of
my mouth.
2 young schoolboys run by —
Hey, did you see that old guy
Christ, yes, he made me sick!
after all the threats to do so
somebody else has committed suicide for me
at last.
the nurse stops the wheelchair, breaks a rose from a nearby bush,
puts it in my hand.
I don’t even know
what it is. it might as well be my pecker
for all the good
it does.

Crazy synergy between T.S. Eliot and a small loop from a great Portishead song.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats	        5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...	        10
Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,	        15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,	        20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;	        25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	        30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go	        35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, 'Do I dare?' and, 'Do I dare?
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair --	        40
[They will say: 'How his hair is growing thin!]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin --
[They will say: 'But how his arms and legs are thin!]
Do I dare	        45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,	        50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
  So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all--        55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?	        60
  And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all--
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress	        65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
  And should I then presume?
  And how should I begin?
      .      .      .      .      .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets	        70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?...

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
      .      .      .      .      .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!	        75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?	        80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet--and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,	        85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,	        90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: 'I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all'--	        95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
  Should say: 'That is not what I meant at all.
  That is not it, at all.'

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,	        100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:	        105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
  'That is not it at all,
  That is not what I meant, at all.'
      .      .      .      .      .	        110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,	        115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old ... I grow old ...        120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.	        125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown	        130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.